I had to be strong to get here. Much more than average, and I’m tired to pretend it is the same for everybody.
I’m tired to have to prove myself while trying like a dog to keep my shit together. I’ve been deeply sick, and I’ve done wrong and I have no shame admitting it, but I forgave myself. I forgave myself for that and for things that came much earlier in life. Things a children shouldn’t have to go through.
Every time I look back and I see everything that happened to me, I can only think of one thing… Why am I letting people abuse me? Why am I being attracted to what hurts me and makes me sick?
These answers are there in the past.
Nobody never taught me Im valuable, that I deserve, that I got “my turn”. Because “she is just a crying baby”.
I never had nobody to look at my side of the story, so I grew up believing it was normal. I grew up believing I was making drama. Don’t interrupt, don’t make a noise, don’t make a mess, don’t exist.
I got used to be invisible, sometimes I forgot myself somewhere, and my mind got back to pick me up.
I have to make it hard. I have to make it impossible for other people to control me, and they will tell me I’m wrong, I know, tell me I’m harsh, I’m rude. Funny how I became rude out of the blue, han? Funny how I became a monster when I decided I would be the pilot of my life. I guess it is just how it should.
I know I’m about to meet true happiness. And it can be anywhere, I really don’t care anymore. And I’m not afraid!
